Tag Archives: Taboo

Open Marriage: How Taboo!

A couple is tanning on their deck by the pool…

The husband turns to his wife and says, “Darling, I just had an idea! Wouldn’t it be marvelous if we could have all the delicious sex we can get with anyone we want and still be peacefully married? Imagine what hidden away fun we could have while we live in the comfort of our mutual love, respect, and understanding, surrounded by our cherished family and the comforts we took so long to build (like keeping the boat we have docked in the Caribbean in one piece instead of losing it in our divorce!). What do you think of that?

… And she would turn back to him with a surprised delight on her face and say, “Oh, darling this sounds great! I can finally stop salivating over our pool boy Hank and quell the longing I have always had for your best friend Pedro! …. Ahhh what a splendid idea! As long as I get to spend time with you as well to feel your love and support and do not wind up lonely and bored while you are OUT. Which of course I should not, because only boring people are ever bored!”

“Yes, darling, we would still keep our Saturday date-cultural-excursion-night, and the Sunday with the family. Except for, perhaps, an occasional get away… and let’s keep my friend Pedro out of it too.”

“Of course darling, as long as you stay away from my cute cousin Kate, other family members, and any of the kids’ friends’ parents!”

“Sure sweetheart, and you would please keep off any of my business associates, golf club members and other connections who might not understand our arrangement, and will simply think I am being disrespected by my charming wife!”

“Sure darling it will be our best kept secret!”

At this point they both smile, take a deep breath, ease in to their lounge chairs, take a sip of their drinks, close their eyes, and keep on smiling with their eyes closed, imagining all the future possibilities they just unleashed.”

How idyllic …

… Or would she be thinking: “Is he out of his mind? Why is he asking me for that? Does he not love me? Is he really bored with our sex? Am I bored with our sex? What is in it for me? What will the Richards think of us? Have we lost touch? Is this the end of our marriage? Will he get bored and leave me after he has all that delicious sex somewhere else? Will it save our marriage, because he will still come back to me? Why should I let him? What will he do if I tell him NO F**KING WAY?!”

Wow… with all those questions it does not look so carefree anymore. After all, if she says NFW, would he proceed with his end of the bargain without her consent? Or will he stay put like a good boy, if mommy says NO?

Consider this scenario:

A man comes up to his friend with a proposition to have a sizzling threesome.

The man to whom it was offered, inquires with curiosity, “Really? Who is going to be in our threesome?”

The first man replies, “Well, for now it is just you, your wife and myself. Is it not HOT?”

The husband replies in dismay, “NO way! I am out!” The first man shrugged his shoulders and says, “Ok Bill, we are crossing you out, then!” 🙂

One lady who told me, that she and her husband had a very simple arrangement. Every time he had sex with another woman, evident by being gone for the night, he had to give her an expensive gift or $500.00 in cash (which ever greater). I was surprised to hear such a DEAL, and shocked even more to hear that the husband would honor this arrangement! Wow, I thought, they are really open minded. I could not resist asking, “Do you not get upset at him for sleeping with other women?” She said with a wicked smile, “Well the gift or the cash offsets it nicely!”

Another arrangement I hear often, “I like girls and my husband lets me have my lesbian affairs on the side, and he does not feel threatened by them.” Another WOW from me, “He really is a good husband! He really trusts you! And who is he sleeping with in exchange for such a perk?

………

One glorious example of an open marriage I have seen, was with a couple who were married for over 20 years. Will call them, Sara and Jerry.

They decided that they did not wish to divorce, and opted for an open marriage instead. They really loved, cared and enjoyed each others company, their children and family. The only thing they could not do with any enthusiasm was to get excited with each other in the bedroom.

So they decided to try an open marriage. Since there was no animosity, they arranged it with the same loving care and consideration they had for all the family business. They were mindful of the children and gentle on the family. They were convinced, their arrangement was both sensible and practical. Sara converted one of their close friends and a common face around the house and on family vacations, a recent divorcee himself, Carlos, to the role of a lover-guest. Her husband needed more variety so he would simply “travel on business.”

They would go on vacations around the world together, like a group of chummy friends/family. Perfect? Was there friction? Should there be? Carlos actually enjoyed being immersed in the middle of such a “surrogate family.” Perhaps the children thought he was just a nice uncle.

Was it perfectly easy and fun for all? Was it adventuresome and exciting? Sure sounds like it was.

I got this story from the perspective of Carlos. He, being the close friend of the family, really loved them. It almost sounded that he went into the arrangement “to help them out” sort of. It seemed that they, Sara especially, were giving him much needed support in his divorce as well. This, naturally has gotten them so close that sleeping together seemed like just a natural next step. He almost cried telling me about how the love he felt from them towards each other would overwhelm him.

He described a moment they were together on a vacation and he and Sara would be in bed in their room, hearing how Jerry would stumble in their shared suite in the middle of the night with a couple of tipsy and giggling girls. Sounds so taboo… Did they just lay there and listen to those three enjoy themselves? Would they join in? I mean, once you are that open minded, where do you draw the line?

I drew the line when I got freaked out when Carlos invited me to join them on one of their “get-a-ways.”

“Will you be bringing me as your friend? What will Sara think of that? Will I have to sleep with the two of you?” Needless to say he withdrew the invite. I guess, I was not open minded enough. 🙂

Is the concept of an OPEN MARRIAGE an oxymoron like the possibility of having “fat-free-bacon”? Or is it like having your cake and eating it too? 🙂

MARRIAGE is an agreement – so people can make it anything.

It would require both partners to have TOTALLY open minds, BLIND trust, and UNCONDITIONAL love that goes BEYOND jealousy, it seems. Otherwise, jealousy will eat them alive!

What are the rules or the etiquette of an open marriage agreement? (It would be funny if marriage vows included check-box options: [  ] Traditional, or [  ] Open). However, I will not surprise you if I tell you it is not a standard form.

Will this OPENNESS make the marriage more exciting, more bearable or just another name entry in the book? Check your answer: A, B, C or all of the above.

Could the open marriage be a miracle cure to keep a marriage, without being forced to cheat and lie?

Oh goody, goody… Here, the possibilities are endless if husband and wife agree to have their own separate sexual experiences. Will they talk about them to infuse their sex with the new excitement? Or will they keep it all to themselves? Will they get in bed with each other with a refreshed desire or it will seem dull in comparison to the juicy philandering they had on their own? Will their relationship get stronger or weaker?

The proof would be in the pudding; if this arrangement does not work, it will surely put them on the fast track to divorce or years of self-validated cheating; or if they can make it work, they must have accepted the terms of the agreement!

Why Do People Cheat? The Bitter Truth Revealed!

Why do men, and for that matter women, cheat?

Lets first define the term CHEATING as engaging in sexual play and love affairs behind the other spouse’s back.

The very purpose of marital commitment is to be romantically and sexually dedicated to only ONE person – your spouse. The contract clearly states: 100% fidelity on both sides, for the duration of the marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime. Therefore, tolerance for infidelity, or CHEATING, is a 0%, clear and simple. Why would anyone agree to get married if they wanted to sleep around in the first place?

Well, either the terms or the principle of the contract have changed, if we consider the latest statistics, from FOX news:

The percent of self-admitted cheaters among men in the United States is 70%, with our women trailing no so far behind at 50% – 60%.

These people have “admitted to cheating at some time over the course of their marriage.” What does that mean?

They all cheated at least once, but some could have cheated 100 times (with the same person or with different people) – we do not know. Most likely, they would do it more than once, since the hardest thing in any good-feeling-mischief is getting started.

Apparently, an overwhelming majority find the temptation to explore sexual encounters or even long term affairs outside of marriage, at one time or another, irresistible. Should we, in the name of political correctness (where we support all weakness), rename these people? Instead of cheaters, should they now be “monogamy challenged” or “secret sexoholics”?

OR, do we rename marriage itself, as “an official long term affair we can call family, with the potential of creating children, and the intent to acquire the mortgage for the house with a white picket fence, and possibly a dog, or a cat”?

Before we take any drastic measures…

WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE CHEAT.

Maybe they are not all “dogs” and “sluts.” Maybe they have a good reason. We must hear them out!

The simple answer would appear to be: they need more lovin’, better, and more exciting sex then what they are getting. So the question then begs itself, why are they not having more sex with their chosen spouses? Why are they, 70% of the husbands and 60% of the wives, looking outside the marriage for sex? Are they not supposed to LOVE each other? Even if the overlap of these numbers at the far ends, at least 30% of the cheaters are each others spouses! Is sex with a stranger more interesting than with your LOVED one? Is this still not a huge risk and a logistical bomb ready to explode their marriage? Why do they take such a risk? Is it worth it?

At least the women here have some excuse because their husbands are either the 20% with the erectile dysfunction (as the latest stats claim), or are cheaters themselves.

Ideally, spouses should give and get a 100% satisfying sexual experience to and from each other! After all this is the ONE person they chose to LOVE and to HOLD in the state of marital bliss till death do they part!

This assumes they love and adore each other, their sexual appetites and interests match, and that they have great communication and trust in the bedroom.

One would think so, but unfortunately, while shopping for a perfect husband or a wife, so many factors blur our vision: their stability, income, image, commitment, romance and so many other pieces, have to fall in place to support your happily-ever-after plan. Sometimes banal or taboo details such the exact sex preferences fall off the cart and get lost in the euphoria of the moment where happiness seems inherent in the union itself.

When it comes to cheating, the stance is unequivocal, – the CHEATER is the devil incarnated and the CHEATED is the holy martyr. But is that really always so black and white?

A lifetime is a LONG time… and once the fairy dust settles and reality sets in, everyday banal necessities take over. Now we find out that he wants HOT creative dress up sex twice a day and she can only really orgasm after an hours of some very creative stimulation and they both get easily frustrated. She asks but don’t you just love me for who I am? Why should I dress up? And he says you cant possibly expect me to lick you for an entire hour? Both questions are selfish and stupid – YES I LOVE you, and yes this is what it takes for you to love me back! That is why they call it a “sex performance”: you must create and orchestrate this experience for full mutual satisfaction! Otherwise, why bother?

They both would say, “but LOVE should come easy, what is wrong with this picture?”

No. Love does not come easy or hard. It takes what it takes! And if you truly love someone and are willing to move mountains for her/him, you better learn to please them no matter what it takes.

Get creative and full heartedly enjoy the game. Put on costumes or learn to work with your tongue for an hour or whatever it takes to make them happy! Because if you will settle for just the superficial wife/husband “duty,” eventually the flame between you will start to fizzle out.

How long will anyone be happy about getting only a halfway satisfying meal, especially since you are already getting bored from eating at the exact same restaurant every time? Therefore don’t be so dismayed or surprised to find out when your partner, eventually, looks for someone else who would be willing to go the distance.

What woman would say, “Well, between my job, the children, the very important PTA meetings and my church… I am not willing to make the effort to stay in shape, to constantly kindle the enthusiastic flirtation, to muster all the getup and then to make the time to perform with my husband the acts that would take him to the state of ecstasy he desires?” A woman who is either somewhat selfish, does not really love her husband, or who is not getting the pleasure she needs out of her husband or sex in general.

The same would be true in reverse. What kind of a man would say, “I am too busy at my important job and I make so much money to make you happy. I am so tired what else do you want from me? I am not willing to make the effort to stay in shape, to constantly kindle the enthusiastic flirtation, to muster all the romance and then… to make the time to perform with my wife the acts that would take her to cloud nine?” A man who is either selfish, does not love his wife or the one who is not getting the pleasure he needs out of his wife or sex in general.

You may retort, “How can you say SELFISH and DOES NOT LOVE…? Of course they do! They take care of so many things for each other and the family – is this not love?” Yes of course it is, but it is secondary to loving her/his body directly and fully. After all, you can reprioritize and get a lot of people to help you do a lot of tasks, but this one is the only one you must do yourself! Put it on your to do list, up there in the top three. Or is this the one you are willing to push off to someone else?

You will say,  “By golly I would NEVER…!” Really? Really? Well, if you are not doing it yourself you are inadvertently giving it to someone else! Your spouse may be a very patient, loving and nice, but you can’t expect them to be a saint! Are they not entitled to live their sexual fantasies? Or are they expected to sacrifice their life to conform to only your desires? Who died and made you the queen or the king?

So the person looking for a sex fix on the side means one of THREE things. That their partner is NOT ABLE, NOT WILLING, or NOT ASKED to give them the sex they desire. Here is the break down of the causes and the effects of each.

1) CAUSE: Their partner is NOT ABLE to perform (entirely or to the right level) due to an illness or a health condition. Or that their spouse is not interested in sex because they are too tired, a workaholic, an alcoholic, a gambler or obsessed with something else.

EFFECT: It would seem that the spouses of the ones who are not ABLE should almost automatically get the license to get their sex on the side. If they do not get it at home they should get it somewhere, they did not sign up for vows of celibacy with their marriage. And they must love their partners and their family a lot, since they do not want to leave them despite their short comings.

2) CAUSE: Their partners are NOT WILLING to give them what they want. It means that either their partner is not a good match for them in their passion, sex tastes or is not willing to go the distance. They could be asked by their partner for that-very-kinky-thing, but they “don’t get it.”

EFFECT: While the unwilling partner can’t be forced to engage in the sex they do not themselves want or need, the other partner is feeling rejected and unsatisfied. The “unwilling” partner might be happy with what they get and assume that what they do in bed is perfection already, or is at least plenty good enough!  This type of response is only a slap in the face to their spouse: a luck of understanding, respect or LOVE. So if the frustrated spouse finally decides to find the willing contributors to partake in his/her sex fantasies are they really to blame?

3) CAUSE: The other partner is NOT WANTED, not desired and not called upon (not at all, or not all the time). This can be either due to the fact that LOVE and attraction are no longer there. Or the spouse just needs to experience OTHER partners for variety and excitement beyond what they can possibly get with their spouse.

EFFECT: In the case that the attraction is no longer felt and the desire is all gone with either of the spouses, the sex ceases completely. In such a sexless marriage everyone seems to be left to fend for themselves or go their separate ways, because no one is getting it.

In the case that the spouse gets all the sex he/she wants from their partner and then needs some more variety on the side – this seems to be the really licentious outbreak giving all cheaters the bad wrap.

So as we can see it really takes TWO to TANGO! Therefore, when they say, “Oh, he cheated on me I am so outraged!” Really?.. NO Really? Have you not seen it coming, or were you deluding yourself in the peaceful bliss of DENIAL?

Mary’s Story IV: Life and Love Have No Guarantees

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Mary’s identification with the role of a victim is only delaying real healing, causing her unnecessary suffering and possibly validating her bad choices, which will only complicate her life in the long run. Just because he, perhaps painfully, realized one day that your body does not excite him anymore or his desire is gone – does not change who you are, does not make you less attractive or make someone at fault. Inversely, the way he has come to feel now does not make him a monster. Even if Mary is right in thinking that she is well deserving of his affection, he can have another opinion and is entitled to his choice, no matter how much this pains her. After all, he can’t be required to sacrifice his life to be marooned in bed with a woman who does not make him happy for whatever quirky reason that might be.

The story, the mistakes, the promises, the “he said, she said” – none of this is important. We will need to let go of our own sob story, eventually, to get rid of it, to just drop it like an unnecessary burden.

“What will I say instead? How will I explain myself to people?” she might say. Well, when she is ready, this will become self evident. She most likely will not even talk about it from the get go; she will have other priorities. But if it comes about she will simply say with ease, “I am divorced.” No need to validate it. No narrative necessary. If the person persists and says “Oh no. What happened?” She may shrug her shoulders smile and say “Life happened” :)! This is real freedom and real victory because you are not ashamed anymore; you are not attached to the negative tag of the “divorcee” taboo. You are allowing yourself to be who you are – there is a real power in that!

Often times, it is really true that there are no guarantees in life, love, and marriage. Instead of “till death do we part” the marital vows should really say “until we are no longer happy and can’t put up with it.” This would be a far more realistic slogan. Why would a woman or a man sacrifice years of their life to raise children and support each other without such a guarantee? The only possible answer is because it meets our current goals at the time,  and we decide that we want to have a family and children with this person, hoping for the most positive outcome: A great and loving partnership for life. But no one can be 100% certain, and no one is entitled to it. What do you think ? If marriage came with this type of warning, would people would do things much differently? Not really, because from how they feel at the time of marriage, they would not be able to foresee any trouble – only their future life together will tell.

Maybe, if no “Happily Ever After” guarantee were so rosily promised in marriage vows, people would be more careful when making huge sacrifices. How often does a  woman sacrifice her career in order to build a family? If she knew that she would be left alone twenty years down the road, would she be so eager to make these sacrifices? 

Making such sacrifices almost never pays off in the long run. The other party is never quite happy enough to justify the sacrifice you have made in the first place.  The cost of giving up the opportunity of a lifetime, or of letting yourself get hopelessly out-of-shape, or losing your self-image entirely in favor of becoming only Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So, is rarely ever worth it.

If someone’s “Happily Ever After” is not guaranteed, and they do not begin their married life expecting absolutely security, perhaps they would have hedged their bets in the first place. Perhaps lived more fully in the moment, and not for some far-off reward. After all, should married couples see themselves as all that different from live-in girlfriends and boyfriends, who are only together to relish in each other and supposedly stay together solely out of pure love and free will? Certainly things get a lot more complicated in marriage, but the main reason for staying together should be the same in both cases. If we recognized the core principle of any relationship as giving and receiving love fully today without any guarantees, and commit to treasuring and treating each other better on daily basis – not taking each other for granted, as a lifelong sold-into-slavery piece of property – this approach would improve our odds in marriage!