Tag Archives: Relationships

Why Do People Cheat: Part 3, Tiger Woods’ Story

CHEATING is an age old tradition. It is a common side effect of marriage itself. However, in the olden days, we lived in a world where many matches were dictated by factors other than the free will of the spouses-to-be.

We now spend half of our life looking for that perfect someone, find them, win them over into marrying us and then… Then, look for someone else to F**K….??!!??

Well, we are very demanding these days, expecting the world to cater to all to our desires. In our technologically advanced, sex-crazed and cynical time of little self-restraint, CHEATING has reincarnated itself in a new glory, in numbers unseen.

I think the cheaters of the olden days would die from envy looking at the glorious Cheaters Heaven we have cultivated these days. All you have to do is get on a dating site in the privacy of your password-protected IPhone screen … and voilà. (No one but our government, of course, will ever have to know.)

Is cheating good, bad or NECESSARY?

So here we have it: the institution of marriage is as fragile as ever, and cheaters are thriving in numbers unseen. Is it good for the modern marriage? Or bad? Does the behind-the-scenes freedom make the trials of marriage easier to endure, or does it destroy it? I am even afraid to ask what is it doing to our morals and our society standards.

“Wait a second,” you say. “In contrast to our private behavior standards, everything is intact when it comes to our public standards! We are as vigilant as ever!” Lets look at an example of how raging passions and our high moral stance clash when the veil of cheating does come down:

Why did we tear into poor Tiger Woods’ throat with such vengeance: nearly cut his jugular, destroyed his image and his family, and painted the walls of the news casting booth with his blood? Is the amount of sex he wants, gets and needs not his own business? Should his wife not have been the one to decide if she could forgive him, or grant him an open marriage big enough for his persona (another sign of our times) or still decide to leave him, but on her own terms?

Of course, you will say, “His wife was the victim, she did not know what a monster he was.” But was it not the media that made her the victim, when they were publicly torturing them both by relishing the juicy details of his gallivanting, painstakingly turning them over and over, savoring every dirty piece of his laundry for all to smell?

I would not hesitate to compare the pain the media was trying to inflict with the pain of having Mr. and Mrs. Woods sit with their tender behinds on sharp thorny stakes, so they would both slowly slide down, piercing all their internal organs, in the public execution-style of barbarian times.

It appeared so scandalous and so shocking to society when each new revelation was brought to light. They exclaimed, “How could he have been so dirty, so gluttonous, so licentious, so utterly despicable?”

But lets look at this from his perspective: his sexual needs, desires and capacity, as shocking as they may appear to us, are clearly illustrated by his own endeavors. He feels them, he has them, potent as they are, and he wants to gratify them with all the blood in his veins. On top of it he is constantly offered all the sex he wants by countless adoring women everywhere, while he is on the road so far from home and his wife.

After all, who could resist such a temptation? Well clearly he could not! He knew the risks, but he got caught up! May be he just figured he was entitled to it, it was his for the taking for being a sports hero – he was living his life and glory to the fullest! Like in the olden day, the true conquistadores would got all the gold and all the women (they must have had the wives somewhere back home as well).

“Well,” we say, “yes he may have his sex needs, desires, and infinite opportunities, but he had a reputation to uphold, by which he is supposed to be an example to us all and to contain the beast in him with all his moral might. And he has made bad choices and he needs to be crucified, to make an example to all the other husbands!”

But hold on a second guys, did we not just conclude that these “other husbands” are also CHEATERS, almost in their entirety? Are the other men supposed to cheer him, or pity that the poor bastard got caught as they marvel at what a run he had? Is this discouraging them or only urging them on? Are you not seeing the irony of this?

 

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Mary’s Story IV: Life and Love Have No Guarantees

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Mary’s identification with the role of a victim is only delaying real healing, causing her unnecessary suffering and possibly validating her bad choices, which will only complicate her life in the long run. Just because he, perhaps painfully, realized one day that your body does not excite him anymore or his desire is gone – does not change who you are, does not make you less attractive or make someone at fault. Inversely, the way he has come to feel now does not make him a monster. Even if Mary is right in thinking that she is well deserving of his affection, he can have another opinion and is entitled to his choice, no matter how much this pains her. After all, he can’t be required to sacrifice his life to be marooned in bed with a woman who does not make him happy for whatever quirky reason that might be.

The story, the mistakes, the promises, the “he said, she said” – none of this is important. We will need to let go of our own sob story, eventually, to get rid of it, to just drop it like an unnecessary burden.

“What will I say instead? How will I explain myself to people?” she might say. Well, when she is ready, this will become self evident. She most likely will not even talk about it from the get go; she will have other priorities. But if it comes about she will simply say with ease, “I am divorced.” No need to validate it. No narrative necessary. If the person persists and says “Oh no. What happened?” She may shrug her shoulders smile and say “Life happened” :)! This is real freedom and real victory because you are not ashamed anymore; you are not attached to the negative tag of the “divorcee” taboo. You are allowing yourself to be who you are – there is a real power in that!

Often times, it is really true that there are no guarantees in life, love, and marriage. Instead of “till death do we part” the marital vows should really say “until we are no longer happy and can’t put up with it.” This would be a far more realistic slogan. Why would a woman or a man sacrifice years of their life to raise children and support each other without such a guarantee? The only possible answer is because it meets our current goals at the time,  and we decide that we want to have a family and children with this person, hoping for the most positive outcome: A great and loving partnership for life. But no one can be 100% certain, and no one is entitled to it. What do you think ? If marriage came with this type of warning, would people would do things much differently? Not really, because from how they feel at the time of marriage, they would not be able to foresee any trouble – only their future life together will tell.

Maybe, if no “Happily Ever After” guarantee were so rosily promised in marriage vows, people would be more careful when making huge sacrifices. How often does a  woman sacrifice her career in order to build a family? If she knew that she would be left alone twenty years down the road, would she be so eager to make these sacrifices? 

Making such sacrifices almost never pays off in the long run. The other party is never quite happy enough to justify the sacrifice you have made in the first place.  The cost of giving up the opportunity of a lifetime, or of letting yourself get hopelessly out-of-shape, or losing your self-image entirely in favor of becoming only Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So, is rarely ever worth it.

If someone’s “Happily Ever After” is not guaranteed, and they do not begin their married life expecting absolutely security, perhaps they would have hedged their bets in the first place. Perhaps lived more fully in the moment, and not for some far-off reward. After all, should married couples see themselves as all that different from live-in girlfriends and boyfriends, who are only together to relish in each other and supposedly stay together solely out of pure love and free will? Certainly things get a lot more complicated in marriage, but the main reason for staying together should be the same in both cases. If we recognized the core principle of any relationship as giving and receiving love fully today without any guarantees, and commit to treasuring and treating each other better on daily basis – not taking each other for granted, as a lifelong sold-into-slavery piece of property – this approach would improve our odds in marriage!

Hi, my name is Fiona B. :)

This channel is meant to support and champion anyone who is having relationship issues with a long term partner. There are a lot of people out there feeling unhappy and stuck in their relationship and in life. They might feel lonely and longing for love – tangled up in their habitual attachment with various degrees of unhappiness. They could have been pushed to lie or cheat in order to make their stale marriage bearable. Many are considering a separation or a divorce, and possibly even have made the initial decision, but are unclear and fearful about what the future holds. Some people are already going a full-steam ahead and or possibly getting over the divorce or a separation with a long term partner and are looking to find a new love or a renewed purpose.

I experienced these struggles and watched many friends deal with similar issues. Yet we are labeled the “broken” ones. We are the less-than-perfect or even down-right “dysfunctional” and until we fix or get a new “perfect” family or relationship, we are doomed to feel inferior and ashamed. We want to be good, and even perfect and, when our life, desires, problems, relationship with our partner has grown cold over time, what are we to do? So much love and respect has been lost. What can we do?

This is what I want to talk about; about our fears, feelings, issues, trials and tribulations, real family life – all of which is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And even if our marriage or a long term partnership is already dead and ready for the divorce graveyard, there is no failure or shame in that.