Tag Archives: jealousy

Why Do People Cheat: Part 2, Mario’s Story

We lie to ourselves all the time. We are the best cheaters of ourselves, sometimes preferring to be in denial than knowing the truth. I actually was in deep denial myself. I was afraid to look the truth in the face for years and admit that besides the nice role-play we had of a perfect married couple, my husband and I were not LOVING each other. I needed love of the romantic and passionate kind, while he was obsessed with his work only. Love to him meant that he expected me to take on and complete every mundane life-task, so he could ONLY do his IMPORTANT JOB! We do get so ingrained into these roles, over the years, that we become drones. Drone moms, drone dads, drone bosses, drone coworkers, drone friends… going through the motions… feeling how life and passion get wasted everyday. Until, eventually we wake up and say, enough is enough, we need to live or passions out. We have the children, we have the career, we have a family, we do not have LOVE. We LOVE our family and we do not want to hurt them… SO WE CHEAT?

Well either that or try to force some real change to call for our partner to rekindle our fire. Will our spouses gladly accept or fight us or say we are being frivolous and too demanding? We will try… but chances are we are only going to hear the same lines. For example, the one I always got was, “I am on the verge, I work all the time what do you want from me?!” Then give up and … move on to find love.. secretly, carefully, feeling guilty, perhaps. Or perhaps not… Lets stop frame here for a moment and let me tell you another story … I met one twenty-nine year old Italian man (lets call him Mario), who loved his hot young wife and had all the sex he could get with her. He was creative and passionate using all the wildest positions he could try or imagine as many times as he could get his hands on her. This, however, did not prevent him from wanting more. For example, on his night shift as a doorman in a fancy Manhattan apartment building, he would not mind to generously satisfy a number of lonely ladies in need of company. These mostly forty plus ripe beauties, as he described, would drift by slightly drunk around midnight looking to literally get FIXED! Mario is a hot blooded Sicilian, he is very traditional in a lot of ways and swears that he loves his wife! He would swim an ocean for her, he works two jobs to support the family, yet he also loves to have just SEX! Any sex – as much as he can get it! If SEX is offered by an attractive to him lady (or even a halfway decent one), heck, he will take it! If it can be arranged and gotten online or from a friendly neighbor, he will get it! If it takes a bit of clever deception of his nice wife – that just makes it all the more exciting. Because now on top of just getting it, he is being a clever mastermind as well. His philosophy is simple, as he shared it with me: he is in the prime of his sex might, equipped with a fine specimen of a rather large penis and having only one life to live – therefore, he it is his god given right to use it to the fullest! Every opportunity he can get and get the most pleasure out of it, before he gets old and his magnificent penis stops being happy. That is his vision of the world. Does this make him sick, immoral, or bad?

Is he a complete DOG? Well he actually, and self admittedly, is! But this is the way he is. What can be done? While I am hard pressed to name what proportion of our fine husbands minds are wired this way, I assure you ladies, a lot more then we would dare to suspect. I think a lot of wives would actually be shocked to find out. Not to say that a good proportion of women are not wired in the same way, but due to the societal restrains may express it less overtly. This primal sort of “fuck everything I can” instinct is ages old and is probably programed into the human brains for some good procreation measure, yet we are supposed to never talk about it. We are supposed to hide it and be ashamed about it. We are all playing up this romantic fantasy of NEVER, for the sanctity of marriage, sleeping with anyone other then the once chosen sacred spouse. Well, the very question in my mind is not whether one philosophy is right and the other one is unacceptably wrong. The question is whether the 100% fidelity for life is even realistic considering the raging passions, urges and opportunities the real men and women are facing today? Should they explore them or should they bottle them up?

The answer for our friend Mario, or the more glorious example of Tiger Woods, – is a definitive NO WAY. Where as, I, in my sixteen year marital contract, endured this commitment with compete dedication, subscribing to just such a romantic version. I can’t claim a success story, though, since my marriage has fallen apart anyway. After he finished his manifesto – I took a deep look into Mario’s twinkling eyes, I asked myself, “How would one control a beast like that?” And the real answer, you CAN’T! Love him or hate him, throw him away or put up with him, that is what you got! You can only accept him for what he is. The next question I asked myself, what if he were my husband? What would I do?

Plan A: Run around trying to tame the beast in crazy paranoia policing his every move: text messages, receipts, phone calls? Impossible, plus that would only get him more slithering and determined. He likes a challenge.

Plan B: Get rid of him. But what is the guarantee that another man will not be just as deceitful? Plus this one I love, he loves me, I have his children!

Plan C: Just throw in the towel and turn a blind eye. Be in an innocent bliss of thinking he is only yours. And enjoy him when he is with you and the family.

Plan D: Cheat on him yourself to get even.

Plan E: Decide that you like threesomes with girls or become an open minded swinger and get wicked dirty with him. (Will not work for all people.)

In actuality his wife, as many wives would, executes the trusted plan A: They think they can control him. They become obsessed at watching the clock to time their not-to-be-trusted husband’s every move. This knife cuts both ways the more the wives uncover and suspect, the more angry, resentful, vengeful and miserable they become. But they have to keep digging, they devise elaborate and clever plans at finding out where the husband has left a trail of crumbs, to slap his wrist with the most pain and surprise at just the right moment as he is reaching for the cookie from the forbidden jar. After catching him, the wives perform a self righteous scene of shame, humiliation and even public crucifixion, often involving friends or relatives, aimed at killing any possible future inclination of the husband to repeat his plight. This might be a sound technique for disciplining silly cats, or children, but can have a reverse effect on a man. He might become conceited, seething and the wave of resentment will only grow. Eventually he might rebel and say, “Look, what have I got here? A loving wife or a cruel Nazi? Who does she think she is? This woman does not love me, she is out to get me and ridicule me to the world, and I cannot let her do this. I do not even want SEX with her anymore, she has become a real witch. I am out of here!” A very real scenario girls! I have actually seen it happen right in from of my very eyes.

What does this leave us? Since the real question is how to stay married to him and not how to get rid of him, Plan B is out. So is the only safe choice we are left with THE PLAN C? Well, ignorance is bliss, as they say! Lets for a second assume that not all men are as promiscuous or sex-obsessed as Mario. Or even if they were, to a large degree, they might be able to restrain themselves better due to either societal or moral stances. What is clear from this discussion is that, at the end of the day, the way a person manages, contains, or expresses their passions is their own personal and very individual choice. And the real PROBLEM then is the CLASH with the traditional view of the way the marriage itself prohibits such choices. In the sanctimonious traditional view, you become the 100% dedicated property of your partner. They are supposed to own, serve and control all of your urges, desires and needs. You have no choice, at least when it comes to sex.

The reality is that we must admit that no one can really own anyone else. In relationships and in love, any agreement has got to come from the standpoint of free will, not by order or a mandate. If the attitude of one spouse is “Well if he said ‘I do’ then it is my way or highway,” the other spouse might succumb to this dictatorship, and thus maroon themselves in a lifelong self-sacrifice, which will leave him/her deeply unsatisfied and unhappy. Is it fair or selfish of the first partner to make such demands? In either case, it is impractical– no one of strong enough character and healthy enough self-esteem could be expected to play such a role. We can only accept them and love them for who they are, if they make you happy while they are with you.

How It All Got Started

I was a career mom, very family oriented and dedicated. Very selfless really, as far as the proportion of time I dedicated to myself, as opposed to dedicating to pleasing everyone in my family, from the smallest details to the largest challenges, in order to make their life easier, fun and amazing every day. I saw myself as a champion mom and a creative and resourceful you-can-have-it-all woman, building my happily-ever-after scenario. As far as my career was concerned, I was at the top of my game after a decade as a branding and packaging designer, a fine artist and a business entrepreneur. As far as family life was concerned, I was raising two active boys, while looking forward to having a third one and working on plans to build a big and beautiful house.

Sounds perfect… but it has all come to a screeching halt. What has gone wrong? My marriage has fallen apart. But why? How? What have I done wrong? Why was I not warned? Or was I warned and missed the memo? How could this have happened to me? Is he the worst man on earth for doing this to me? What to do next? These are the types of questions I have spent the last three years pondering from various angles with diminishing anguish. Changing my perspective brought me towards enlightenment.

The realization of our marriage being on the brink of a full catastrophe was evident after some dramatic events which escalated over a few months, with roots and signs going back years– possibly even all the way back to the day we got married, 16 years ago. It probably happens in other families and it might have similar cocktails of the negative factors such as: loss of love, disappointment in self and the spouse,  hate, shame, infidelity, middle-age crisis, jealousy, depression, feeling trapped, lonely, and a variety of other factors such as financial, health, and other life circumstances. The condition seems to be like a land mine in which one spouse has been getting ready to explode and the other one, possibly quite unaware of this taking place or seeing it from a different perspective, is slowly but surely about to step on it. Once it explodes, their world will shatter and one will be the instigator and the other will, inevitably, feel like the victim of the blast.

When I finally stepped on this land mine, I got blasted with an explosion of abusive language, demeaning me and likening me to an evil piece of trash, who, according to my husband, ruined his life. His campaign could be summed up by a slogan – I am not happy, it must be all your fault! I HATE YOU – YOU ARE A FUCKING BITCH!

Was I in shock?..  YES.. Devastated? Of course.. Lost? Very much so. It took me a while and a lot of therapy to separate my self and my self-image and self esteem from my marriage and status. This journey of rebuilding myself after 18 yeas as a separate being – reorienting my dreams, needs and wants away from my husband and our previous life patterns – felt like a rebirth. I really had to ask myself: Who am I? What do I need and want? What makes me happy? I, a woman of some ripe age, had no idea. Sad, but true. I had to start somewhere. And I decided that starting by pushing off the lowest point to climb back up was the only way to go. I was faced by the statement that I HATE YOU – YOU ARE A FUCKING BITCH was the reward I got for 16 years of dedication, love and endless energy I poured into my husband. I helped his career and life gave him children, never complained, was always positive, evened out his explosive temper, and yes took his abuse. I did it for the sake of the family, or at least my idea of one.

With all the uncertainty around me and so much confusion and hurt, fear and anger – one thing was certain: I am NOT a FUCKING BITCH! The question remained whether I should become one! After all, my other life strategy led me to a dead end. I tried to examine the meaning my husband put in to this statement and what I would associate with it, trying to understand myself and who I am.

At first came this image of an uncompromising, glorified selfish bitch with gluttonous self indulgence, no human values, and no human worth. Well, this certainly was not me. In my mind, I was quite the opposite. I was selfless. Now the real question was why? Why was I so selfless and why did I not get the recognition or the gratitude I was expecting? It took time to get to some answers and I tried various strategies, from family counseling to creative outlets, some more impulsive than others. I was taking chances.. I was making bold changes… I was going to get to the bottom of my own motivations and nature. I was going to finally look myself fearlessly in the face and deal with who I really am, not who I thought I was supposed to be for the sake of others.

I tried on the FUCKING BITCH role, then the fabulous bitch role, went through several stages and came out on the path of enlightenment as a “fabulous being” — As an someone I truly felt I was on the inside, after stripping off all the layers of pain, past hurt, unrealistic goals, fake confidence. On this road, I do not see myself as an example, but maybe as  a guide who has made it out of the dark situation and wants to share the experience with other women in similar situations and give them support and hope, if I can.  This has motivated me to start the Fiona Fab Club and friends! This is the place for the women (and men too!) to support each other in being themselves, coming out strong and in control, being labeled BITCHES if the world is not ready to deal with us and being OK with it! This is the club and the channel for us, speaking candidly to each other, accepting ourselves as we are and facing our challenges together.