Tag Archives: Infidelity

Why Do People Cheat: Part 3, Tiger Woods’ Story

CHEATING is an age old tradition. It is a common side effect of marriage itself. However, in the olden days, we lived in a world where many matches were dictated by factors other than the free will of the spouses-to-be.

We now spend half of our life looking for that perfect someone, find them, win them over into marrying us and then… Then, look for someone else to F**K….??!!??

Well, we are very demanding these days, expecting the world to cater to all to our desires. In our technologically advanced, sex-crazed and cynical time of little self-restraint, CHEATING has reincarnated itself in a new glory, in numbers unseen.

I think the cheaters of the olden days would die from envy looking at the glorious Cheaters Heaven we have cultivated these days. All you have to do is get on a dating site in the privacy of your password-protected IPhone screen … and voilà. (No one but our government, of course, will ever have to know.)

Is cheating good, bad or NECESSARY?

So here we have it: the institution of marriage is as fragile as ever, and cheaters are thriving in numbers unseen. Is it good for the modern marriage? Or bad? Does the behind-the-scenes freedom make the trials of marriage easier to endure, or does it destroy it? I am even afraid to ask what is it doing to our morals and our society standards.

“Wait a second,” you say. “In contrast to our private behavior standards, everything is intact when it comes to our public standards! We are as vigilant as ever!” Lets look at an example of how raging passions and our high moral stance clash when the veil of cheating does come down:

Why did we tear into poor Tiger Woods’ throat with such vengeance: nearly cut his jugular, destroyed his image and his family, and painted the walls of the news casting booth with his blood? Is the amount of sex he wants, gets and needs not his own business? Should his wife not have been the one to decide if she could forgive him, or grant him an open marriage big enough for his persona (another sign of our times) or still decide to leave him, but on her own terms?

Of course, you will say, “His wife was the victim, she did not know what a monster he was.” But was it not the media that made her the victim, when they were publicly torturing them both by relishing the juicy details of his gallivanting, painstakingly turning them over and over, savoring every dirty piece of his laundry for all to smell?

I would not hesitate to compare the pain the media was trying to inflict with the pain of having Mr. and Mrs. Woods sit with their tender behinds on sharp thorny stakes, so they would both slowly slide down, piercing all their internal organs, in the public execution-style of barbarian times.

It appeared so scandalous and so shocking to society when each new revelation was brought to light. They exclaimed, “How could he have been so dirty, so gluttonous, so licentious, so utterly despicable?”

But lets look at this from his perspective: his sexual needs, desires and capacity, as shocking as they may appear to us, are clearly illustrated by his own endeavors. He feels them, he has them, potent as they are, and he wants to gratify them with all the blood in his veins. On top of it he is constantly offered all the sex he wants by countless adoring women everywhere, while he is on the road so far from home and his wife.

After all, who could resist such a temptation? Well clearly he could not! He knew the risks, but he got caught up! May be he just figured he was entitled to it, it was his for the taking for being a sports hero – he was living his life and glory to the fullest! Like in the olden day, the true conquistadores would got all the gold and all the women (they must have had the wives somewhere back home as well).

“Well,” we say, “yes he may have his sex needs, desires, and infinite opportunities, but he had a reputation to uphold, by which he is supposed to be an example to us all and to contain the beast in him with all his moral might. And he has made bad choices and he needs to be crucified, to make an example to all the other husbands!”

But hold on a second guys, did we not just conclude that these “other husbands” are also CHEATERS, almost in their entirety? Are the other men supposed to cheer him, or pity that the poor bastard got caught as they marvel at what a run he had? Is this discouraging them or only urging them on? Are you not seeing the irony of this?

 

Why Do People Cheat: Part 2, Mario’s Story

We lie to ourselves all the time. We are the best cheaters of ourselves, sometimes preferring to be in denial than knowing the truth. I actually was in deep denial myself. I was afraid to look the truth in the face for years and admit that besides the nice role-play we had of a perfect married couple, my husband and I were not LOVING each other. I needed love of the romantic and passionate kind, while he was obsessed with his work only. Love to him meant that he expected me to take on and complete every mundane life-task, so he could ONLY do his IMPORTANT JOB! We do get so ingrained into these roles, over the years, that we become drones. Drone moms, drone dads, drone bosses, drone coworkers, drone friends… going through the motions… feeling how life and passion get wasted everyday. Until, eventually we wake up and say, enough is enough, we need to live or passions out. We have the children, we have the career, we have a family, we do not have LOVE. We LOVE our family and we do not want to hurt them… SO WE CHEAT?

Well either that or try to force some real change to call for our partner to rekindle our fire. Will our spouses gladly accept or fight us or say we are being frivolous and too demanding? We will try… but chances are we are only going to hear the same lines. For example, the one I always got was, “I am on the verge, I work all the time what do you want from me?!” Then give up and … move on to find love.. secretly, carefully, feeling guilty, perhaps. Or perhaps not… Lets stop frame here for a moment and let me tell you another story … I met one twenty-nine year old Italian man (lets call him Mario), who loved his hot young wife and had all the sex he could get with her. He was creative and passionate using all the wildest positions he could try or imagine as many times as he could get his hands on her. This, however, did not prevent him from wanting more. For example, on his night shift as a doorman in a fancy Manhattan apartment building, he would not mind to generously satisfy a number of lonely ladies in need of company. These mostly forty plus ripe beauties, as he described, would drift by slightly drunk around midnight looking to literally get FIXED! Mario is a hot blooded Sicilian, he is very traditional in a lot of ways and swears that he loves his wife! He would swim an ocean for her, he works two jobs to support the family, yet he also loves to have just SEX! Any sex – as much as he can get it! If SEX is offered by an attractive to him lady (or even a halfway decent one), heck, he will take it! If it can be arranged and gotten online or from a friendly neighbor, he will get it! If it takes a bit of clever deception of his nice wife – that just makes it all the more exciting. Because now on top of just getting it, he is being a clever mastermind as well. His philosophy is simple, as he shared it with me: he is in the prime of his sex might, equipped with a fine specimen of a rather large penis and having only one life to live – therefore, he it is his god given right to use it to the fullest! Every opportunity he can get and get the most pleasure out of it, before he gets old and his magnificent penis stops being happy. That is his vision of the world. Does this make him sick, immoral, or bad?

Is he a complete DOG? Well he actually, and self admittedly, is! But this is the way he is. What can be done? While I am hard pressed to name what proportion of our fine husbands minds are wired this way, I assure you ladies, a lot more then we would dare to suspect. I think a lot of wives would actually be shocked to find out. Not to say that a good proportion of women are not wired in the same way, but due to the societal restrains may express it less overtly. This primal sort of “fuck everything I can” instinct is ages old and is probably programed into the human brains for some good procreation measure, yet we are supposed to never talk about it. We are supposed to hide it and be ashamed about it. We are all playing up this romantic fantasy of NEVER, for the sanctity of marriage, sleeping with anyone other then the once chosen sacred spouse. Well, the very question in my mind is not whether one philosophy is right and the other one is unacceptably wrong. The question is whether the 100% fidelity for life is even realistic considering the raging passions, urges and opportunities the real men and women are facing today? Should they explore them or should they bottle them up?

The answer for our friend Mario, or the more glorious example of Tiger Woods, – is a definitive NO WAY. Where as, I, in my sixteen year marital contract, endured this commitment with compete dedication, subscribing to just such a romantic version. I can’t claim a success story, though, since my marriage has fallen apart anyway. After he finished his manifesto – I took a deep look into Mario’s twinkling eyes, I asked myself, “How would one control a beast like that?” And the real answer, you CAN’T! Love him or hate him, throw him away or put up with him, that is what you got! You can only accept him for what he is. The next question I asked myself, what if he were my husband? What would I do?

Plan A: Run around trying to tame the beast in crazy paranoia policing his every move: text messages, receipts, phone calls? Impossible, plus that would only get him more slithering and determined. He likes a challenge.

Plan B: Get rid of him. But what is the guarantee that another man will not be just as deceitful? Plus this one I love, he loves me, I have his children!

Plan C: Just throw in the towel and turn a blind eye. Be in an innocent bliss of thinking he is only yours. And enjoy him when he is with you and the family.

Plan D: Cheat on him yourself to get even.

Plan E: Decide that you like threesomes with girls or become an open minded swinger and get wicked dirty with him. (Will not work for all people.)

In actuality his wife, as many wives would, executes the trusted plan A: They think they can control him. They become obsessed at watching the clock to time their not-to-be-trusted husband’s every move. This knife cuts both ways the more the wives uncover and suspect, the more angry, resentful, vengeful and miserable they become. But they have to keep digging, they devise elaborate and clever plans at finding out where the husband has left a trail of crumbs, to slap his wrist with the most pain and surprise at just the right moment as he is reaching for the cookie from the forbidden jar. After catching him, the wives perform a self righteous scene of shame, humiliation and even public crucifixion, often involving friends or relatives, aimed at killing any possible future inclination of the husband to repeat his plight. This might be a sound technique for disciplining silly cats, or children, but can have a reverse effect on a man. He might become conceited, seething and the wave of resentment will only grow. Eventually he might rebel and say, “Look, what have I got here? A loving wife or a cruel Nazi? Who does she think she is? This woman does not love me, she is out to get me and ridicule me to the world, and I cannot let her do this. I do not even want SEX with her anymore, she has become a real witch. I am out of here!” A very real scenario girls! I have actually seen it happen right in from of my very eyes.

What does this leave us? Since the real question is how to stay married to him and not how to get rid of him, Plan B is out. So is the only safe choice we are left with THE PLAN C? Well, ignorance is bliss, as they say! Lets for a second assume that not all men are as promiscuous or sex-obsessed as Mario. Or even if they were, to a large degree, they might be able to restrain themselves better due to either societal or moral stances. What is clear from this discussion is that, at the end of the day, the way a person manages, contains, or expresses their passions is their own personal and very individual choice. And the real PROBLEM then is the CLASH with the traditional view of the way the marriage itself prohibits such choices. In the sanctimonious traditional view, you become the 100% dedicated property of your partner. They are supposed to own, serve and control all of your urges, desires and needs. You have no choice, at least when it comes to sex.

The reality is that we must admit that no one can really own anyone else. In relationships and in love, any agreement has got to come from the standpoint of free will, not by order or a mandate. If the attitude of one spouse is “Well if he said ‘I do’ then it is my way or highway,” the other spouse might succumb to this dictatorship, and thus maroon themselves in a lifelong self-sacrifice, which will leave him/her deeply unsatisfied and unhappy. Is it fair or selfish of the first partner to make such demands? In either case, it is impractical– no one of strong enough character and healthy enough self-esteem could be expected to play such a role. We can only accept them and love them for who they are, if they make you happy while they are with you.

Why Do People Cheat? The Bitter Truth Revealed!

Why do men, and for that matter women, cheat?

Lets first define the term CHEATING as engaging in sexual play and love affairs behind the other spouse’s back.

The very purpose of marital commitment is to be romantically and sexually dedicated to only ONE person – your spouse. The contract clearly states: 100% fidelity on both sides, for the duration of the marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime. Therefore, tolerance for infidelity, or CHEATING, is a 0%, clear and simple. Why would anyone agree to get married if they wanted to sleep around in the first place?

Well, either the terms or the principle of the contract have changed, if we consider the latest statistics, from FOX news:

The percent of self-admitted cheaters among men in the United States is 70%, with our women trailing no so far behind at 50% – 60%.

These people have “admitted to cheating at some time over the course of their marriage.” What does that mean?

They all cheated at least once, but some could have cheated 100 times (with the same person or with different people) – we do not know. Most likely, they would do it more than once, since the hardest thing in any good-feeling-mischief is getting started.

Apparently, an overwhelming majority find the temptation to explore sexual encounters or even long term affairs outside of marriage, at one time or another, irresistible. Should we, in the name of political correctness (where we support all weakness), rename these people? Instead of cheaters, should they now be “monogamy challenged” or “secret sexoholics”?

OR, do we rename marriage itself, as “an official long term affair we can call family, with the potential of creating children, and the intent to acquire the mortgage for the house with a white picket fence, and possibly a dog, or a cat”?

Before we take any drastic measures…

WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE CHEAT.

Maybe they are not all “dogs” and “sluts.” Maybe they have a good reason. We must hear them out!

The simple answer would appear to be: they need more lovin’, better, and more exciting sex then what they are getting. So the question then begs itself, why are they not having more sex with their chosen spouses? Why are they, 70% of the husbands and 60% of the wives, looking outside the marriage for sex? Are they not supposed to LOVE each other? Even if the overlap of these numbers at the far ends, at least 30% of the cheaters are each others spouses! Is sex with a stranger more interesting than with your LOVED one? Is this still not a huge risk and a logistical bomb ready to explode their marriage? Why do they take such a risk? Is it worth it?

At least the women here have some excuse because their husbands are either the 20% with the erectile dysfunction (as the latest stats claim), or are cheaters themselves.

Ideally, spouses should give and get a 100% satisfying sexual experience to and from each other! After all this is the ONE person they chose to LOVE and to HOLD in the state of marital bliss till death do they part!

This assumes they love and adore each other, their sexual appetites and interests match, and that they have great communication and trust in the bedroom.

One would think so, but unfortunately, while shopping for a perfect husband or a wife, so many factors blur our vision: their stability, income, image, commitment, romance and so many other pieces, have to fall in place to support your happily-ever-after plan. Sometimes banal or taboo details such the exact sex preferences fall off the cart and get lost in the euphoria of the moment where happiness seems inherent in the union itself.

When it comes to cheating, the stance is unequivocal, – the CHEATER is the devil incarnated and the CHEATED is the holy martyr. But is that really always so black and white?

A lifetime is a LONG time… and once the fairy dust settles and reality sets in, everyday banal necessities take over. Now we find out that he wants HOT creative dress up sex twice a day and she can only really orgasm after an hours of some very creative stimulation and they both get easily frustrated. She asks but don’t you just love me for who I am? Why should I dress up? And he says you cant possibly expect me to lick you for an entire hour? Both questions are selfish and stupid – YES I LOVE you, and yes this is what it takes for you to love me back! That is why they call it a “sex performance”: you must create and orchestrate this experience for full mutual satisfaction! Otherwise, why bother?

They both would say, “but LOVE should come easy, what is wrong with this picture?”

No. Love does not come easy or hard. It takes what it takes! And if you truly love someone and are willing to move mountains for her/him, you better learn to please them no matter what it takes.

Get creative and full heartedly enjoy the game. Put on costumes or learn to work with your tongue for an hour or whatever it takes to make them happy! Because if you will settle for just the superficial wife/husband “duty,” eventually the flame between you will start to fizzle out.

How long will anyone be happy about getting only a halfway satisfying meal, especially since you are already getting bored from eating at the exact same restaurant every time? Therefore don’t be so dismayed or surprised to find out when your partner, eventually, looks for someone else who would be willing to go the distance.

What woman would say, “Well, between my job, the children, the very important PTA meetings and my church… I am not willing to make the effort to stay in shape, to constantly kindle the enthusiastic flirtation, to muster all the getup and then to make the time to perform with my husband the acts that would take him to the state of ecstasy he desires?” A woman who is either somewhat selfish, does not really love her husband, or who is not getting the pleasure she needs out of her husband or sex in general.

The same would be true in reverse. What kind of a man would say, “I am too busy at my important job and I make so much money to make you happy. I am so tired what else do you want from me? I am not willing to make the effort to stay in shape, to constantly kindle the enthusiastic flirtation, to muster all the romance and then… to make the time to perform with my wife the acts that would take her to cloud nine?” A man who is either selfish, does not love his wife or the one who is not getting the pleasure he needs out of his wife or sex in general.

You may retort, “How can you say SELFISH and DOES NOT LOVE…? Of course they do! They take care of so many things for each other and the family – is this not love?” Yes of course it is, but it is secondary to loving her/his body directly and fully. After all, you can reprioritize and get a lot of people to help you do a lot of tasks, but this one is the only one you must do yourself! Put it on your to do list, up there in the top three. Or is this the one you are willing to push off to someone else?

You will say,  “By golly I would NEVER…!” Really? Really? Well, if you are not doing it yourself you are inadvertently giving it to someone else! Your spouse may be a very patient, loving and nice, but you can’t expect them to be a saint! Are they not entitled to live their sexual fantasies? Or are they expected to sacrifice their life to conform to only your desires? Who died and made you the queen or the king?

So the person looking for a sex fix on the side means one of THREE things. That their partner is NOT ABLE, NOT WILLING, or NOT ASKED to give them the sex they desire. Here is the break down of the causes and the effects of each.

1) CAUSE: Their partner is NOT ABLE to perform (entirely or to the right level) due to an illness or a health condition. Or that their spouse is not interested in sex because they are too tired, a workaholic, an alcoholic, a gambler or obsessed with something else.

EFFECT: It would seem that the spouses of the ones who are not ABLE should almost automatically get the license to get their sex on the side. If they do not get it at home they should get it somewhere, they did not sign up for vows of celibacy with their marriage. And they must love their partners and their family a lot, since they do not want to leave them despite their short comings.

2) CAUSE: Their partners are NOT WILLING to give them what they want. It means that either their partner is not a good match for them in their passion, sex tastes or is not willing to go the distance. They could be asked by their partner for that-very-kinky-thing, but they “don’t get it.”

EFFECT: While the unwilling partner can’t be forced to engage in the sex they do not themselves want or need, the other partner is feeling rejected and unsatisfied. The “unwilling” partner might be happy with what they get and assume that what they do in bed is perfection already, or is at least plenty good enough!  This type of response is only a slap in the face to their spouse: a luck of understanding, respect or LOVE. So if the frustrated spouse finally decides to find the willing contributors to partake in his/her sex fantasies are they really to blame?

3) CAUSE: The other partner is NOT WANTED, not desired and not called upon (not at all, or not all the time). This can be either due to the fact that LOVE and attraction are no longer there. Or the spouse just needs to experience OTHER partners for variety and excitement beyond what they can possibly get with their spouse.

EFFECT: In the case that the attraction is no longer felt and the desire is all gone with either of the spouses, the sex ceases completely. In such a sexless marriage everyone seems to be left to fend for themselves or go their separate ways, because no one is getting it.

In the case that the spouse gets all the sex he/she wants from their partner and then needs some more variety on the side – this seems to be the really licentious outbreak giving all cheaters the bad wrap.

So as we can see it really takes TWO to TANGO! Therefore, when they say, “Oh, he cheated on me I am so outraged!” Really?.. NO Really? Have you not seen it coming, or were you deluding yourself in the peaceful bliss of DENIAL?

An Intriguing New Friend: Mary’s Story (Part I)

I met a woman yesterday at a kid’s birthday party. I’ll call her Mary. Mary came in with two beautiful daughters, who were seven and three years old. She impressed me as a tall, shapely, attractive woman, wearing a sexy opened dress, but with a slightly sad and disconnected expression. I immediately separated her from the others, because she did not have that peaceful look of the mother-hen spending a pleasant afternoon sitting out at a kid’s party. Her rather reveling dress and constant clutching and typing on her phone were dead giveaways. She must be having an affair, I thought.

After the party was over, it came as a nice surprise that the very woman I was so intrigued by happened to need a ride home with her girls and just happened to live in my neighborhood. I gladly offered to get her home, and asked how she got to the party in the first place, since it was quite a far shot from our hood. She declared, “My ex husband drove us here, but he would not take us back.”

As soon as we settled into the privacy of my car she literally spilled out her story. She went right into an unprompted monologue. “I am divorced, you know!” In her voice I felt the urgency; she needed to share, to get a shot of relief, support, and validation in my eyes.

Her tone reminded me of a confession at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, very a matter of fact, somber, and regretful, as she continued with no interruptions:

“He had an affair. This was three years ago. Imagine, he left me only four months after I gave birth to our second child. I was in a very vulnerable state. I gained a massive amount of weigh. I was 200 pounds, bloated from the childbirth. I had just returned to work then, and I was really stressed, still breast-feeding my daughter and even my best friend’s son (his mother did not have any milk). I was breast feeding at home and pumping at work. Then, he just walked in one day and said he did not love me anymore, did not want to live with me, so he packed his bag and left.

I was devastated, at first, as I tried to understand what happened. What have I done wrong?”

At this point, I felt a chill going down my spine as I remembered this time in my own life… after the birth of my first child. Moving around in a daze without sleep, pumping at work, driving home in mad traffic – it was hell! This became merged with the stress of a separate instance in my life, some years later, when my husband declared that his life did not turn out as he envisioned, it was all my fault and as a result, he HATED me! My heart was going out to her.

She continued:

“Later, in a few months, I got a glimpse of a text message on his phone and I finally pieced it all together – he left me for a woman working in his office. The office, that I worked so hard to help him get off the ground, and the very woman whom, ironically, I myself helped to hire. He is a such-n-such-professional, and the other woman clearly only wanted him to get the partnership in the business. I myself was, at one time, going to go for a graduate degree, even passed the prerequisite exam, but he discouraged me! He said, ‘We do not need two professionals in one family.’

“Now, he owes me everything! Of course, I am ok now, just a few months after he left, I was already in a relationship. I have friends, my life is better now. I have a lot of options now. I can go on vacations with kids and without kids. When we were married everything was monotonous, dull and only about the children. We went out on a date only once a year for our anniversary.

“His affair ended, by the way. She threw him out. He crawled back to us after two years. Statistically, affairs last two years on the average, (she looked at me convincingly and divulged knowingly.) He wanted to try to get back together ‘for the sake of the family,’ and even moved back into our apartment. It lasted a week, then I kicked him out! The damage was already done with the kids and in my heart when he left. By then we had become strangers. Not only was I not at all attracted to him, I could not even stand him in the house. Now, he lives alone; he rents his own apartment three blocks away. Now he realizes that no one really needs him and he is bored and unrequited. Now, he is all about children and family. I kept all the friends, they were all on my side (she said this with especial personal pride) and he is all alone!

“It has been three years and, get this, we have not finalized our divorce yet. But it is really over of course. He is just scared to pay out a big chunk for my portion in the business, so he is just dragging it along. It is ok I guess,” she concluded. “He pays me sufficiently now and he is really helping me out big time.”

She finished with a reassuring crescendo. Who was she trying to convince? Me? Herself?

As she laid it all out, she seemed to be almost on an autopilot. She has probably told this same story before so many times, to friends, neighbors and even perfect strangers willing to listen.

Why is she doing this, you ask?

She thinks everyone can see her problem, and she feels a compulsion to defend herself from their “judgment.”

She thinks it is her mission to convince all others that she she is really 100% right, and that he (her ungrateful, cheating, monster of an ex) is 100% to blame. And from the first glance, and according to the canons of the marital laws, it would certainly seem so. If we try to look deeper, no one knows the whole story, except maybe their therapist. In a family break up, and even a betrayal, there is no right and wrong – no winners and losers – there is just a story of two people and their lives. Somewhere they lost it, perhaps got lost themselves – this is life. No use crying over spilled milk.

You will say, “Well, this woman has told you exactly that – she is fine! She is better off now!” Yes, but I did not ask, and did not need to hear the gory details in order to support and accept her. She does not have to defend herself or hide behind a tower of her story which seemingly protects her while it keeps her hostage. I want her to free herself from her own judgment.