Tag Archives: affairs

Open Marriage: How Taboo!

A couple is tanning on their deck by the pool…

The husband turns to his wife and says, “Darling, I just had an idea! Wouldn’t it be marvelous if we could have all the delicious sex we can get with anyone we want and still be peacefully married? Imagine what hidden away fun we could have while we live in the comfort of our mutual love, respect, and understanding, surrounded by our cherished family and the comforts we took so long to build (like keeping the boat we have docked in the Caribbean in one piece instead of losing it in our divorce!). What do you think of that?

… And she would turn back to him with a surprised delight on her face and say, “Oh, darling this sounds great! I can finally stop salivating over our pool boy Hank and quell the longing I have always had for your best friend Pedro! …. Ahhh what a splendid idea! As long as I get to spend time with you as well to feel your love and support and do not wind up lonely and bored while you are OUT. Which of course I should not, because only boring people are ever bored!”

“Yes, darling, we would still keep our Saturday date-cultural-excursion-night, and the Sunday with the family. Except for, perhaps, an occasional get away… and let’s keep my friend Pedro out of it too.”

“Of course darling, as long as you stay away from my cute cousin Kate, other family members, and any of the kids’ friends’ parents!”

“Sure sweetheart, and you would please keep off any of my business associates, golf club members and other connections who might not understand our arrangement, and will simply think I am being disrespected by my charming wife!”

“Sure darling it will be our best kept secret!”

At this point they both smile, take a deep breath, ease in to their lounge chairs, take a sip of their drinks, close their eyes, and keep on smiling with their eyes closed, imagining all the future possibilities they just unleashed.”

How idyllic …

… Or would she be thinking: “Is he out of his mind? Why is he asking me for that? Does he not love me? Is he really bored with our sex? Am I bored with our sex? What is in it for me? What will the Richards think of us? Have we lost touch? Is this the end of our marriage? Will he get bored and leave me after he has all that delicious sex somewhere else? Will it save our marriage, because he will still come back to me? Why should I let him? What will he do if I tell him NO F**KING WAY?!”

Wow… with all those questions it does not look so carefree anymore. After all, if she says NFW, would he proceed with his end of the bargain without her consent? Or will he stay put like a good boy, if mommy says NO?

Consider this scenario:

A man comes up to his friend with a proposition to have a sizzling threesome.

The man to whom it was offered, inquires with curiosity, “Really? Who is going to be in our threesome?”

The first man replies, “Well, for now it is just you, your wife and myself. Is it not HOT?”

The husband replies in dismay, “NO way! I am out!” The first man shrugged his shoulders and says, “Ok Bill, we are crossing you out, then!” 🙂

One lady who told me, that she and her husband had a very simple arrangement. Every time he had sex with another woman, evident by being gone for the night, he had to give her an expensive gift or $500.00 in cash (which ever greater). I was surprised to hear such a DEAL, and shocked even more to hear that the husband would honor this arrangement! Wow, I thought, they are really open minded. I could not resist asking, “Do you not get upset at him for sleeping with other women?” She said with a wicked smile, “Well the gift or the cash offsets it nicely!”

Another arrangement I hear often, “I like girls and my husband lets me have my lesbian affairs on the side, and he does not feel threatened by them.” Another WOW from me, “He really is a good husband! He really trusts you! And who is he sleeping with in exchange for such a perk?

………

One glorious example of an open marriage I have seen, was with a couple who were married for over 20 years. Will call them, Sara and Jerry.

They decided that they did not wish to divorce, and opted for an open marriage instead. They really loved, cared and enjoyed each others company, their children and family. The only thing they could not do with any enthusiasm was to get excited with each other in the bedroom.

So they decided to try an open marriage. Since there was no animosity, they arranged it with the same loving care and consideration they had for all the family business. They were mindful of the children and gentle on the family. They were convinced, their arrangement was both sensible and practical. Sara converted one of their close friends and a common face around the house and on family vacations, a recent divorcee himself, Carlos, to the role of a lover-guest. Her husband needed more variety so he would simply “travel on business.”

They would go on vacations around the world together, like a group of chummy friends/family. Perfect? Was there friction? Should there be? Carlos actually enjoyed being immersed in the middle of such a “surrogate family.” Perhaps the children thought he was just a nice uncle.

Was it perfectly easy and fun for all? Was it adventuresome and exciting? Sure sounds like it was.

I got this story from the perspective of Carlos. He, being the close friend of the family, really loved them. It almost sounded that he went into the arrangement “to help them out” sort of. It seemed that they, Sara especially, were giving him much needed support in his divorce as well. This, naturally has gotten them so close that sleeping together seemed like just a natural next step. He almost cried telling me about how the love he felt from them towards each other would overwhelm him.

He described a moment they were together on a vacation and he and Sara would be in bed in their room, hearing how Jerry would stumble in their shared suite in the middle of the night with a couple of tipsy and giggling girls. Sounds so taboo… Did they just lay there and listen to those three enjoy themselves? Would they join in? I mean, once you are that open minded, where do you draw the line?

I drew the line when I got freaked out when Carlos invited me to join them on one of their “get-a-ways.”

“Will you be bringing me as your friend? What will Sara think of that? Will I have to sleep with the two of you?” Needless to say he withdrew the invite. I guess, I was not open minded enough. 🙂

Is the concept of an OPEN MARRIAGE an oxymoron like the possibility of having “fat-free-bacon”? Or is it like having your cake and eating it too? 🙂

MARRIAGE is an agreement – so people can make it anything.

It would require both partners to have TOTALLY open minds, BLIND trust, and UNCONDITIONAL love that goes BEYOND jealousy, it seems. Otherwise, jealousy will eat them alive!

What are the rules or the etiquette of an open marriage agreement? (It would be funny if marriage vows included check-box options: [  ] Traditional, or [  ] Open). However, I will not surprise you if I tell you it is not a standard form.

Will this OPENNESS make the marriage more exciting, more bearable or just another name entry in the book? Check your answer: A, B, C or all of the above.

Could the open marriage be a miracle cure to keep a marriage, without being forced to cheat and lie?

Oh goody, goody… Here, the possibilities are endless if husband and wife agree to have their own separate sexual experiences. Will they talk about them to infuse their sex with the new excitement? Or will they keep it all to themselves? Will they get in bed with each other with a refreshed desire or it will seem dull in comparison to the juicy philandering they had on their own? Will their relationship get stronger or weaker?

The proof would be in the pudding; if this arrangement does not work, it will surely put them on the fast track to divorce or years of self-validated cheating; or if they can make it work, they must have accepted the terms of the agreement!

Mary’s Story Part III: The Text Files

Another aspect that struck me at the party was that Mary was clutching and checking her phone with a dead serious urgency, as if one of her children was taken hostage and she was waiting for the ransom text. What she was really doing was avoiding being at the party in the environment of other seemingly happy families. She was escaping to somewhere else, constantly looking for some validation from her social networks. Maybe she was thinking, “My husband should not have left me, we should have been here all together like the other ‘normal’ families.”

I have been there myself. She feels embarrassed ashamed and lonely. Interestingly enough, the only ‘complete’ family that was present at the party was that of a birthday boy. The rest of the guests were accompanied by only one parent, a mother or a father, whichever was the case. So why was she the one feeling awkward? Because she was not there alone by her choice! Because she was hurt and was blaming her ex for her discomfort. The remedy she was using to alleviate some of this pain was her precious phone – her outside online connections. They could have been anything from a pleasant and fun distraction, to flirting, to even an on line text/chat date, or, if she really wanted to be a bad girl, a sext for all we know! What she craves and what she gets is a stream of constant attention in the form of the messages, texts, winks, compliments and come-ons from various online dating and social sites.

Going through this stage, one can get addicted to such an escape. An easy way to test if you are already addicted in this fashion or not, is to try to see if you would feel at ease turning your phone off for just an hour on a casual weekend. Try this and you will know.

Eventually, she will distance herself from the pain she feels, and will start to let it go. Once she starts to feel at ease with her single status and freedom, she will be on her way to the adventures of her life. After all, that dull married life she described, with one date a year on their anniversary, does not by any means sound exciting. Then she could let herself feel the seduction of a new romance, lust, the excitement and passion of a first kiss. Get carried away, meet new people, explore new interests. The important thing, I think, (Mary of course might disagree with me) is to not aim or recreate the same boring, abusive, or neglectful relationship she just got out of. There is no way back; we can only go forward.

Regardless of how open-minded or adventuresome Mary is, she is looking for that special someone who will give her what she thinks she needs. She is, ultimately, looking to heal her self image, her hurt ego. She is looking for love and companionship (and perhaps also to add another nail to her ex’s coffin). By the way, never go for an affair or a relationship because you just want revenge – you simply will not enjoy it.

What is important? I hope she understands that the new man or her new circle of friends should love her for who she is and should make her happy. She must be able to choose the real person who will make her happy, and not chase the mirage of a new prince charming, who will be on an even bigger and whiter horse. Is she really ready and in the right state of mind to find her perfect match? Would she recognize him once she meets him?

She impressed me as a smart cookie. I hope she will figure it all out in time.